if you haven’t read the first article this journey, please click here first before reading below.
i’m about 6 months out from my first miscarriage and 2 months removed from my second. not a day goes by where i don’t think about these babies and wonder what they would look like, be like, feel like in my arms.
i have found a lot of solace in speaking to other mamas who have lost babies and listening to podcasts, reading instagram messages, etc. because i find it SO SO therapeutic, i thought i would share with other mamas who may be going through what i am.
Social Media Accounts
There are so many accounts that talk about the fertility journey/loss~ but this one in particular (@jamielynndorr) is AWESOME. She shares her struggles and her journey beautifully. I seriously feel like she articulates what I’m feeling (or trying not to feel). I find SO MUCH inspiration, comfort and encouragement from her. I highly recommend you follow her story and her struggle if you are walking this same infertility/pregnancy loss journey.
there were two things that I listened to that… really hit home for me. each tell their own stories & struggles. i cannot tell you good it felt to hear what other people were going through and find hope in their stories. i have never met these folks, but hearing their pain and their hope…healed me.
Testimonies of Grace (the testimony to Derek & Jannette’s Blog below)
Derek & Jannette’s Blog about the loss
Give the babies names, and SAY THEM OUT LOUD
jamie (from the insta above) gave a little talk about this on her stories and it really really hit home to me. i named my babies right after each loss but never spoke them outloud. i prayed so much after each loss and during those times, these two names came to me: Owen and Camilla. the calling for these names were so strong. for the first baby, i had no idea what the gender was, but God was telling me to name it Owen. About a month later, i found out it was a boy. the second time around, the calling for Camilla was just as strong and although i never found out the sex… i can’t help but think God was telling me it was a girl.
when i looked up the names… man almighty…i cried. i cried for the meaning of each name, the loss of each baby, and well…the power of God in my life. even through the losses…he was there for me, always watching and loving on me.
Owen: young warrior or well born; noble.
Camilla: Servant for the temple; Free-born; noble
Memorialize them in any way you want
for me, i kept all the ultrasound photos and my hospital bracelet for Owen. for Camilla, the pregnancy was too early and i missed out on the chance to get an ultrasound photo of her when they checked for a heartbeat. i put everything for the babies in a box (including birth announcement stuff i was going to use). i’m not sure what i will do with those keepsakes, but at the moment, they are helping me with my healing journey.
another thing i’ve been thinking about is remembering these angels in a different way: through a christmas ornament. i’ve looked at a bunch of things online and well…the other things (like jewelry, rocks, pillows, etc) are ugly. LOL i hate them but i think a cute ornament like the ones below might work. (still deciding…)
i feel like this is all such a taboo thing to talk about and share. but i personally really needed to hear other people’s stories in order to heal. i’m definitely not “all good”, but i hold out hope for the future and for what the Lord has in store for my life. i’m hoping and praying it means more babies, but i’m also preparing myself that perhaps i was only meant to raise one of his babies and that is enough. i’m waiting at the table, hoping that my yes (for a bigger family) will be met by His yes.
if you ever have questions or want to talk about this, let me know. i’m happy to share or just listen. xo