i’ve thought a lot about whether to share this post. in the end, I think this time was so hard for me that perhaps if someone else was going through the same tragic loss…they could find some comfort in reading about my journey and my two pregnancy losses this past year.
Loss #1 (the abridged version)
i conceived in July 2017 and had a normal pregnancy. i was super sick with nausea (typical) and everything went really smoothly until my 17.5 week appointment. my blood work up until then had been fine, ultrasounds were good and my first trimester screen went perfectly.
at 17.5 weeks (Nov 7, 2017), i went in to find out the gender of my baby when the dr couldn’t find a heart beat and determined that the baby had died around 15.5-16.5 weeks. i was beyond shocked and devastated. i had no idea what to think and kind of even convinced myself the machine was wrong. that God wouldn’t do that at this late stage and i would just get another check done.
my dr confirmed the baby had passed and she basically jumped and took immediate action. she called off-duty drs, ordered tons of blood tests and even called me at night to schedule the D&C surgery. she asked me when i would feel comfortable doing it and i told her sometime after Thanksgiving (in 2 weeks). her eyes bugged out but she was REALLY nice and told me that the baby had been dead for a few weeks already (aka was already poisoning me). any longer and it would seriously harm me and put my health in danger. she scheduled a second opinion visit (at my insistence) the next morning and the D&C surgery later that same day.
the second visit, with two drs, confirmed that the baby had no heart beat. i felt like i couldn’t even really cry b/c it was all too fresh. i was in a survival go-go-go mode where i just needed to check off boxes on the list. the D&C itself was fine and the recovery just meant watching netflix in bed. the entire process happened so quickly that it almost felt like nothing had happened at all. and although my life was standing still, i saw everyone else’s lives carry on~ like slow motion in a movie where the main character stands there motionless while the world keeps walking/driving by.
what i wasn’t quite prepared for was the emotional and physical loss my body would feel. i started to lactate about 5 days after the D&C (exactly like after i had c). it was the strangest yet most comforting feeling ever. my milk made me feel like the miscarriage and pregnancy had happened. that the topic couldn’t be swept under the rug or ignored.
lots and lots of blood tests on me and the baby were completed and nothing was wrong with either of us. it was a total mystery what had happened. emotionally i kept trying to think of the positive things and be grateful for the blessings i did have in my life. it wasn’t until i went to hawaii and saw TONS of pregnant women and babies everywhere that i started to feel really sick to my stomach. after that i literally let myself cry and feel the pain of it all. i listened to a testimony of another family who went through what i did but chose to give birth to their stillborn baby. oh man… did i bawl and bawl and BAWL when i heard their story.
after hearing the testimony i felt myself heal a little more. anddd luckily i got pregnant after that story which really helped heal my heart and i stopped thinking about the lost baby every single day, all day long.
i conceived in February 2017 and oh man, i could barely believe it. i felt like my life was finally turning around and i was going to have the chance to feel little feet kicking in my stomach. i was so excited and comforted that i quickly went out and bought maternity clothes, organized all of c’s old baby stuff, and tried to really enjoy this precious and hard won pregnancy.
around the 6th week and 1st day, i started spotting. it was super dark brown. according to pregnancy forums it was natural, something that happens and not a big deal. but of course…the spotting didn’t end there. the amount grew as each hour/day passed and so did the color (from brown to pink to dark red to red). i made an emergency appointment with an OB. she did an ultrasound and we saw the baby. it measured around 5 weeks and 2 days. there was no heartbeat but she thought it could be because it was too early to see it. but…i knew. something wasn’t right. the baby should have been measuring one week bigger and i was spotting pretty regularly.
a few days later blood tests (and the spotting) confirmed that the baby had & was passing. s/he passed around a week earlier (in my opinion) and my body was just now letting it go.
so… two miscarriages later and where does that leave me? with a lot more blood tests and healing. i have a team of doctors who are ordering me extensive blood tests (different from the set after the D&C) and an xray to see all my lady parts and make sure that nothing is wrong/blocked/oddly shaped.
for myself…i’m going to take more time to rest and relax. i always push myself till i’m exhausted. it’s also rare that i think about my own health and nutrition needs. i think that while i wait to figure out what is medically wrong with me, i’m going to try and focus on resting and taking care of my body.
this is a pretty short account of everything that has happened. if you’re going through something similar and have more questions, please let me know. i found that the most comforting and the most helpful thing to get me through these sad tragedies is the help of other women/moms who went through the same thing. hearing their stories and knowing that these things happen to SO MANY other women is really really encouraging. xoxo