this one is a topic that i’m currently struggling with and i’m not sure if i ever will stop. i am a working mama and it has SO SO hard. i constantly waiver back and forth whether i should quit my job and stay home. i write lists and debate in my head the pros and cons of each. at the moment it is more beneficial to our family if i continue to work but it’s not an easy decision that i do so.
i love the independence of working. i love being around adults and having my own projects to complete. working at ucla has been a total dream and i have met so many wonderful friends here. i just passed my 10 years for working at a UC and next June i will have worked just at UCLA for 10 years. i literally grew up in the UC system (having attended one for college as well). i don’t even know what corporate life would be like! lol
i always knew i wanted four kids and i still do. what i didn’t quite anticipate was how obsessed i would be with motherhood and charlotte. after she was born i realized…hey i’m pretty controlling, ocd and obsessive. lol when she is sick, i don’t want anyone else to be with her except me. i want to be the one to comfort her and take her to the doctor. it is so hard when i have to drop her off at daycare or have someone else stay home with her b/c i have to go to work.
in addition to those hard sick days, there are SO MANY things i read about that i want to do with her: sensory play, going to library story times, gym and music classes for babies, mommy and me groups at church, etc. i wish so badly that i could take her to the park in the daytime and have her enjoy the fun that many other kids do. sigh. in my mind i want things to be structured and i want to raise charlotte a certain way. but life as a working mom doesn’t give me the flexibility or time to execute those wishes.
when i was looking for a daycare i was on the brink of a meltdown because i couldn’t find something perfect enough. i know that no place ever will be, but i had certain standards i refused to compromise on. one example: i would not allow charlotte to go to a daycare that people wore shoes in. she would be putting her face on the floor, crawling around and putting her hands in her mouth all day. i couldn’t bear to think that someone would be dragging in dirt from outside where dogs pee and people spit. hell to the no. i wanted the floors to be as sterile as can be. at one daycare i saw a caretaker walk all over the baby blankets with her shoes on and then put the baby down for tummy time. barf. then that same daycare dropped a pacifier on the floor, put it back in the baby’s mouth (same baby btw) with a long black hair attached to it (which then hung from the baby’s mouth). BARF.
after tons of daycare tours, phone calls and pleas to friends for recommendations, i found THREE that i loved. in the end we went with the one that fit our needs the best but that entire journey was really difficult as a new mom.
this is charlotte’s first year of life and my first year at work in my new role. when stress levels are high at home and at work, it’s really difficult to split myself up or even give 100% at home and 100% at work. when i speak with other moms they say that they have the same struggle. many of my friends are really ambitious and try to climb the corporate ladder at the expense of their families. in my case i feel like i put all my energy into c and our family and i’m so burnt out when i get to work. not giving 100% at work makes me feel like such a failure and i HATE that feeling. i so wish everything i did was perfect but my time and energy and mental capacity are so stretched. sigh.
i’m not sure where this leaves me or what the future will bring but this is my current struggle. i don’t know how millions of other moms do it. this could possibly be just a little phase while the babies are young and once they go to school it gets better? i don’t know. i also don’t know how i would juggle a larger family + work since having just charlotte is insanely difficult.
anyway…there is no solution or teaching moment in this post. just figuring this out day-to-day and i guess i’ll have to re-evaluate my next steps with each new chapter of our lives. =) any other mama’s out there struggling with the same thing??